Day Thirteen: I probably should have said in the last entry that by day nine we had finished arranging your funeral. Four days later and there I was, standing cloaked in black over a deep hole in the ground, where you would be forced to remain underneath for eternity. It wasn’t open casket. We all knew how much you loathed other people seeing you when you weren’t decent. Everyone agreed that it was probably best, and to be honest, I didn’t want to look at your face knowing your eyes would no longer flutter open, and I would no longer be able to look into your green orbs. I cried again that day. Heck, I cried every day since the day you left. But that day was much worse. When they were placing you inside the hole, I almost ran over to stop them, and it took Liam, Zayn, and Niall to hold me back. I had dropped to my knees crying my eyes out. I wasn’t able to stand strong at your funeral, and I am so sorry. You must be disappointed in me. I know you’ve always thought of me as strong. But that’s only when I’m with you. Now that you’re gone, I don’t know what to do with myself. It was a long service, and I embraced every single member of your family, apologizing and muttering incoherent words throughout all of my blubbering. Gemma and Anne held me the longest, and we sobbed into each other’s shoulders. I pulled away from Gemma, and stared at her a long while. I told her that the two of you looked a lot alike. She’s so beautiful Harry, and I promise to take care of her. I promise to take care of your mother too. She had always been like a second mother to me anyways. When I hugged her, he whispered something in my ear that I will never forget, and I really hope she wasn’t lying to me. “He loved you, you know.” She whispered, and pulled back with a small smile on her face. She walked away before I had a chance to reply, leaving me speechless, before I broke down sobbing again. Liam had to carry me out to the car, and I resisted. I didn’t want to leave you.
Day Eight-Twelve: I decided to write these days into one big entry because well, not much happened in those days. Zayn still refused to speak to me, and I didn’t blame him. Niall and Liam tried their best to talk to me, but I had become distant. I spoke to no one, except for you of course. But you weren’t really there, and that began to worry them.
Day Seven: A week without you in my life, feels like an eternity, and I spent the entire day watching old X Factor videos and interviews of us, pretending you were there with me, laughing along.
Day Six: I showed the boys the note that day. Well, I didn’t exactly show them. I left it on the kitchen counter, and Zayn had come across it. He walked into the living room with tears streaming down his face, and began to shout at me. He yelled at me for not telling them. He yelled at me for being selfish. And he blamed it all on me. Niall and Liam tried to calm him down. But I didn’t blame him for being angry. I was angry at myself as well.
Day Five: We finally began arranging your funeral that day. I don’t know if it was a bit too early to arrange or a bit too late, but all I know is that nobody wanted to do it. Nobody wanted to accept the fact that you were really gone.
Day Four: I found your note that day. The familiar sight of your handwriting drove me to tears. I couldn’t find myself to share it with anyone. Anne visited me that day. I think it was Wednesday, but I really didn’t know. I couldn’t find myself to care. Usually we would be at rehearsals, but the news had already been leaked to the press, and spread all over Twitter. I refused to go online, or watch TV. The only things that played were predictions on why you had done it, but I knew why, so I didn’t want to hear about others theories. Our fans miss you. I’ve had multiple come up to me while I was walking the streets, crying their eyes out and hugging me, apologizing for my loss. They say that you were amazing, and an amazing person, that you didn’t deserve to go so young. I agree with them. Why did you leave? Well, I know why. But I just can’t wrap my head around it. I ended up showing your mother the note. I know you meant it to reach my eyes, and my eyes only, but I felt she had a right to know. She cried, Haz. She cried a lot. I feel as though I’m the one to blame for all of this, and the weight on my shoulders just keeps growing.
Day Three: Silent. That’s the only word I can use to describe that day. In fact, any day beyond the second has just fallen silent. There were no words to say then, and there still isn’t any. The boys and I sat stiffly on Liam’s couch, tears slipping down our faces as we realized, we weren’t One Direction anymore. There was no One Direction without you, and there still isn’t. So that day was wasted on our own pitiful thoughts, and wondering what we would do now that you were gone.
Day Two: Your family was there. We were all there. I hugged your mother, trying to comfort her while she cried her eyes out, all the while trying to contain my own tears. The rest of the boys took care of Gemma, who began screaming and thrashing, refusing to believe that her brother had left her. Tears were flying all over the place, and it became hard to defer whose tears belong to whom, but it didn’t really matter. We all watched from the sidelines as you were removed from your bed, and carried away on a long stretcher, a thin white sheet covering you, so I was unable to see your face one last time. I refused to believe you were gone. I still refuse. You’re coming back, aren’t you? I hope you do. Everybody’s pretty fucked up about it. I miss the way things used to be, you know? Now anyone hardly ever smiles. I miss your smile.
Day One: I woke up like I did every morning, expecting to find you curled up by my side. But when I turned over, the bed was empty, and you were nowhere to be spotted. At first I brushed it off, telling myself that you were just cooking breakfast or showering. But the lack of noise throughout the apartment should have deterred me, and I apologize that I didn’t pay any mind to it. I should have known. I should have stopped you. When I finally rose from bed, the silence in the house unnerved me, and that’s when the nerves began to kick in. I felt light-headed walking through the flat in my search for you, my knees growing weaker with every step I took. I guess you could say I finally fell to my knees the moment I found you. I cried. A lot actually. My eyes stung with poisonous tears and my heart pumped with venom at the sight of you. But I don’t blame you, I never have. I blame myself. I will never be able to un-live that day, or erase the image of your cold unmoving body lying still on the floor. It haunts me every day, and every night. I did the only thing I knew how to do, and I called the ambulance. They were in the flat within minutes, carrying you away from me. I was unable to move, as well as Niall and Zayn, who I had called along with Liam right after the ambulance. It was Liam who drove us all behind the ambulance, while I silently cried to myself in the back seat. I didn’t want to believe it.
Dear Harry, You’ve been gone for two weeks now. I haven’t been coping well. The boys have even sent me to a therapist to help me forget. But I can’t forget. You’re all I ever think about. Your head of luscious curls, the way your smile lights up a room, your green eyes that I love so much. You’re impossible to forget. I don’t want to forget. Of course the boys are worried about me. I’m even worried about me. My therapist is worried as well, and that’s why she has handed me this journal, so I can write down my innermost thoughts. I’m supposed to give it to her every week to read over, and I just feel so weird giving it to her. Most of my thoughts revolve around you, so I guess that’s why she wants to read it over, to make sure I’m handling everything well. But to be honest I’m not, and yes I’m fairly aware she will read this. But the truth has got to come out sooner or later, yeah? She never specifically told me what to write, but just that I have to write. So I’m writing to you. I hope you don’t mind. I want you to know how I’ve coped with the whole thing. I’m going to tell you how it’s been without you here with me. How I feel all day every day will be written down in here. Starting from day one, aka, the day you left this world. Början på 99 Days Without You. Vad tycker ni? Detta var alltså Louis perspektiv. 'Day One' kommer i morgon.